Ok so here is the thing about my lack of blogging for basically the past year……
I haven’t written because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to express what I was thinking or what I was feeling. And now is the time that I can sit and say all of the things that I need to get out. So buckle up cause this is likely to be a long one….
June, July, August, September 2015- During this time I was supremely happy. I was in love, had just finished my first year of teaching and was looking forward. My family and friends were well, I had absolutely nothing to complain about. I still think about you everyday, but I guess I didn’t come to write because in a way I felt guilty and ashamed at myself for being supremely happy. What kind of mother am I if I am not constantly mourning you? And then I started noticing that I had been talking to my friends I had met through grief support less. I WILL ALWAYS love them and have such a grateful spot in my heart for all of them (after all I could have never made it without them), so now what a jerk I would be to go to chat and rub my bliss in their faces when perhaps their struggles are still all consuming? Yes, I will always be part of “the club” but I was different now; not at all the broken girl I was when I had first met them all. I want to maintain these friendships, but am afraid of hurting them. When I first lost you, in a sick way I craved reading the stories and knowing that others felt the same kind of pain that I was experiencing. I needed it. Now however, I am back to the place where the stories terrify my deep to my center core. It scares me so much because I do understand the reality of it and am so terrified it could happen to me again. I know one day when I am done having children I HAVE TO (as part of my mission) help others and hear their stories, but for now (I am afraid I sound so selfish saying this) I just wanted to be happy in my little bubble for a little bit longer because it felt so refreshing and just good. This summer’s Disneyland trip is a great example of this happy bubble that I have been in. Grandpa Steve and Grandma Laura paid for the whole family to go enjoy this experience together and while a little stressful at times, we made such good memories. They pulled me aside at some point during our trip to let me know that they wanted to buy something for me with your name on it so that I knew that they realized/remembered that they should have been there with 4 grandchildren, not 3. I am so lucky to have such a supportive and loving family to help honor you. Even Delilah asks about her little cousin every now and then and wants to see his picture. One day your little brother will be old enough to understand that you existed and I’m sure you two will have a very special bond.
October, November, December 2015- Josh asked me to marry him and I said YES!!!!! I could not ask for a better step dad for your brother and also for you. It’s strange to ask a man to be a step father to a boy he has never known but he fathers you in the only way that he can, he lets me talk about you however often I would like and he holds me when I still occasionally cry. He goes to the cemetery when I want to go and shared with me about his brother Jason who died too early like you. We are planning our wedding and are thinking of ways to incorporate remembering you as well as in our new home we bought. It is such a bittersweet thing. I am so grateful for him. Your little brother Beau is turning into quite the little firecracker. He is rambunctious, has a hot little temper, wants to do everything on his own, and is the love of my life. Your Aunt Jenn and I joke all the time about how we think that you two would be nothing like each other but would be best friends. We think that you would be much more passive, calm, and level headed; just like typical older/younger sibling relations. How I wish that we could be a complete little family. I will never be over what happened, but between your brother and your stepdad, I have healed a tremendous amount over the last two years. I used to jokingly/truthfully say that I had turned “stone cold”. I would hear things that I knew were sad, but no tears would come. I either showed no emotion or would privately have a massive melt down (usually about you). Now I am able to show a range of emotion again, which is so much more “Brittany” like. I have never been more glad to be able to cry about silly things. I can now once again cry when I am frustrated, or overtired, or touched by something, or even when I am laughing. I can feel again. It is wonderfully vulnerable and human.
January, February, March 2016- The last few months have been a little rough. I had a nice little run of feeling very high, but the thing about being on the roller coaster of life, is that it keeps going up and down. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very little dip down compared to some of the lows that I have been through, but it still makes me grip onto the handlebars with a deathgrip and prepare to hit the ground. I HATE that I battle anxiety. I wish I could figure out the cure to make me just snap out of it and tell myself “Brittany it always ends up okay” but my mind just doesn’t believe me all the time. I get sad. I get afraid. I get angry. I trust in God, but still I battle. I try to analyze why I am feeling the way I am feeling and this is the best I can come up with : Spring is just around the corner, the flashbacks while less vivid still happen and I can’t ignore that your 4th birthday is right around the corner. Your Great Grandma Liz passed away this month and before she went to be with the Lord, I went to visit her in the hospital a couple times even though I hate going to Clovis Community hospital. I realize that it is also the place that brought me Beau safely and for that I will always be grateful, but walking up to that very large building my first thought is always, “this is the place that my baby died, this is the place they told me your heart stopped, this is where I had to stay with you inside of me for over a day before I got to hold you for a few measley hours before they took you from me”. These are dark thoughts that plague me. These are the monsters in my closets and the nightmares that I fear when I lay down in bed. The nightmares that are my reality. The truth is that when I am feeling happy, it is because I shut a piece of my brain down and do not allow it to think about those certain memories of you. The end of last year I didn’t blog because I was too happy and the start of this year I haven’t because I felt like too much time had passed that I would be a hypocrite because I can complain that other people don’t acknowledge you enough and here I am your mother and I had stopped for a while. Son I just hope you know that even when I am not screaming it from the rooftops, that I still love and ache for my first born. I know this will pass. I will experience many more high points and low points, but for now I am a little melancholy. I am blessed. I have so much to be thankful for in life right now. I guess I just wish I had it all…. (you).